I Only Miss You When I Want To

by Secret Plot to Destroy the Entire Universe

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about

Written, performed, produced, recorded, mixed, and mastered by Secret Plot to Destroy the Entire Universe in Philadelphia PA over the months of February 2012 - November 2012.

Please listen with headphones.

credits

released December 31, 2012

Guitar tracks on Aimless and all drum tracks recorded by James Reilly at Here, Hear Studios in Nazareth PA.

Background vocals in 1991, Tri-Lateral Commission, and Aimless courtesy of our lovely friend Evan Dormont, of the band Sic Bacchus.

Samples on this record include audio recordings from the late, great Keith Rogers; the one and only Unk, the greatest of West Philadelphia natives; and one of the best monologues in cinematic history from The Great Dictator, a 1940 film starring Charlie Chaplin.

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Secret Plot to Destroy the Entire Universe Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

RIP 2014

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Track Name: Monocacy
The dam is breaking, I can feel it coming, I'm in the river drowning, the water's raging. And I couldn't do anything at all; just hope for anyone at all to try and save me. And I've heard the rhythm of a heart that's kept me guessing for so long, so I'll just keep my mouth shut. We're all so precious; I'm learning how to keep my distance. I learned to walk away.
Track Name: 1991
I'm sleeping off every demon that i've acquired on these long drives north on 95 between my city and your coastline. But the way the sun set bathed me in summer heat, and delivered me in winter breezes made everything seem worth it. I can't help but feel alone these days. I never thought that I could feel so fragile, I never thought that I could feel so distant. Keep your hands where I can see them because I know you're clinging gently to a world where everything seems easier. But you're not helping anything by downplaying everything; your short-sighted impulse is worthless. And I can barely begin to believe all the words that I have heard; they all seem useless. I never wanted things to end this way.
Track Name: Tri-Lateral Commission
I did this to myself. I built this bridge from matches to burn it all down. I'm talking too much to myself, and I stare at the wall to keep myself from drifting. I can't contain these empty hands and the shake that they create. Where my heart remains, all the words seem faked. I said i'm tired. And it's hard to know what the twilight does to a semi-faked sense of pride. Left standing on my feet, I can barely afford the time. And I can't help myself, I'm feeling stagnant so I run away. Another night spent on the couch with nowhere to stay. I would save you but I can barely save myself so we fall asleep exhausted dreading every single day.
Track Name: Aimless
I was watching as the Holy ghost took your father away, and you were lifted for the first time since 1998. And when he gasped his last breath, I could almost swear I saw him smile like he did when she did back in 1999. And I was just gripping to my pocket for the photograph that i've carried for the last ten years. It was everything I had. And I can still see him reaching to the silver screen on the helm of the QE2 - London, 1972. I still miss you. I don't want to die alone, I don't want to be forgotten like everyone I used to love. I don't want die alone. I remember how you looked when your soul lifted from your body. You were dignified with distant eyes. Well lately, I only miss you when I want to. I only miss you.
Track Name: Mimosa Lane
I'm thinking back on every consequential action. And we all die alone, with our fears dripping out our mouths, and our ears are wide open to hear any kind of good news. I'm feeling lonely again, and mostly tired of this place like every town that I have lived in - I've burned them all down. Just keep your hands where I can see them, because I know you're selling guns on the corner outside of my hotel room, and I don't want to see you. I don't want to hear a single word, just any kind of good news. So I'll just keep running as far as my feeble legs can carry me. And I made it the coast, and I'm standing on these rocks waiting for any wave to wash me out to sea. But all I can hear is airplanes over me. I can hear the runway. I don't miss you like I used to. I only miss you when I want to.
Track Name: Seven
I burned every book that you wrote and left the ashes on the floor in the hallway. I drove home on the same old roads, and watched your ghosts dance from the causeway. And I know that everyone that I love will someday come back to haunt me. So I lie with people I hate because it was meant to be. I watched everything walk away as the summer sun set beneath the autumn leaves, and I couldn't help but smile. Fourteen years have passed with the same old stony faced grin. I'm still learning how to laugh, I'm still learning how the swim. Looking back at all these hazy eyes, the cracked up teeth, and the crooked smiles made everything suddenly seem worth it. For a minute I was trying to say to you that the rain could wash us all away. When the sun swallows the earth, I'll be rejoicing. This is what made me learn to stand tall in the face of every condescending failure. But now I'm standing up in the face of failure. And I still remember every time I cried after you died. At the funeral I realized we're born alone, we breathe alone, we cry alone, we grieve alone. We're born alone, we breathe alone, we cry alone, we die alone. But now I've come to terms with words that I have learned. We all die alone, and I know it. Just keep me breathing. And I can't help but think of every wasted day colliding with every night that I have stayed awake. My tired soul can't take the spinning anymore.
Track Name: Tips For Staying Sweet...
Sleep now or forever hold your peace. This vicious rain cleansed everything. So I'm keeping both my hands clasped where I can see them, cause it seems like everyone needs something to cling to. It seems like everyone needs somebody, but me. For the entire winter, we wandered up and down every single street. Looking for hope and solace, all we found was bitter sadness. The leaves turned into ash, and hope into desperation. But when I found the end, I could only miss myself. Sometimes I just miss everything about this place, and sometimes I just miss everything. I don't need anyone anymore; I'm fine.

It took 13 years to rebuild the bridge.
Track Name: The Montauk Project
You threw the first punch like a stone through the window of the house that your mother built in the fall of ‘91. She was silent. And I never said a single word, she could die here or alone. This tension that runs straight through our bones and nobody knows just how bad this hurts. All the apathy we inhale in our lungs, we try to get by but we’re coming undone. It’s hard to breathe when you’re coughing up smoke. But it’s too hard to leave when the dream never broke. So replace me, it’s what we both want. I’ll be the picture on your wall crumbling to dust. So I ran for miles to every length of this city. Every street light tried to stopped me, but I just kept running. And I can’t contain the urge to get myself away. Everytime I should feel comfort, I feel stagnant at best.
Track Name: I Only Miss You When I Want To
I only miss you when I want to. I only miss you when I see you. But I can't stop seeing you around, I only miss you. But I still came off fighting when I was strong, and I always start fighting when I am wrong. But I'm always wrong, I only miss you. But I always find myself just fighting myself. I'm everything that never should have been anything. I'm a failure and I want to die in a way that I can be immortalized with all my sins behind me. But you caught me when I was running; you took me away from everything. I can't do this everyday. I'm looking for a way to say that I'm looking for a way to stay. So just stay the fuck away.